OMG…OMFG….I can’t believe I haven’t posted since August. I’ve had so much to bitch about, be thankful for, and confusion to sort out. I’ve hit a wall with my other blog, it feels so suffocating. Close family, friends and co-workers read it so I’m so limited in the things I can discuss, feelings I can express, and nonsense I’d like to bitch about.
I think this blog scared me a little. Somehow a few people found it and were actually reading it . My private thoughts that I second guess and beat myself up over were exposed…if only to just a few people. Those thoughts were let loose and someone out there heard them. That was intimidating to me. The root of the fear is two fold. I don’t take criticism well at all. I’m a very defensive person and have this uncanny ability to justify my own actions in my head enough to appease myself. The very fact that I recognize this character flaw is encouraging to me. I’m open to change, want to change but bad habits are hard to break.
The second thing fueling my fear is that growing up I was always told that my feelings and thoughts were “excuses”. I’ve mentioned before my well intentioned mother who always expected me to “suck it up”. Somehow I feel like I don’t have the right to blog about whatever comes to mind. And if I’m not blogging about my children or family that I’m being selfish. I mean after all, once you have children don’t you sacrificially give your identity and needs away. In return you gain so much, learn so much and the love can be overwhelming but the guilt sets in. The mom guilt. New clothes for myself, a manicure, a night out with husband???? Hell no, there’s gymnastics class to pay for, trikes, diapers, a playscape, the list is endless.
I’ve gotten to a place that I feel like the least I can do for myself is blog about whatever I want. It is my Mother’s Day gift to myself. I’ll do anonymously and hide behind this here keyboard but dammit I’ll do it. I’ve got some doozies coming to. I promise not to disappoint.
