I got word last week that I had a very part time job if I wanted it. I thought I wanted it, I did want it and I think I want it but now I don’t know. When I found I was requested by a principal my heart sunk. We have worked together before, he used to be my teacher in elementary school and he is a complete loose cannon. Disorganized, forgetful, hot and cold, and constantly changing his mind about shit. Shit that matters and affects all those around him. This totally sucks now, gone are my ideas of flying under the radar, doing my job, and upkeeping a reasonable level of anonymity. He has bombarded me with all his “plans” for me, but I’ve got news for him. My workday is 3 hours and I don’t plan on working a minute over that. Thank God for my very strong and intimidating union. They are worth every penny they suction from my paycheck.
I worked yesterday and today. I don’t work again till next Thursday. I spent most of the past two days trying not to cry at work. I hate that I can’t tell my little one’s what is going on. They just don’t understand and the only world they have known is Mommy home everyday. I thought this is what I wanted, but now I’m not sure. The guilt is incredible, way worse than any guilt my mother has ever imposed on me. This guilt is a whole entity of its own, and it has stolen my sleep at night. I’m running on about 3 hours of sleep a night since taking this job. I am so fortunate that my little ones will stay at home with their grandmothers when I’m not there so their daily routine will remain the same but still…I won’t be there for part of their day.
It is very strange to go back to an environment you are familiar with but yet you are a very different person than you used to be when you were last in that environment. I feel lost in my own home so to speak. I insisted that the hours I work be in the afternoon so that at least half the time I am gone, they will be napping. I am on emotional overload and feel alone. Husband just can’t know what this is like for me and mother is always the “suck it up” type. So here I am, trying to sort it all out on a keyboard. I hope that in the next upcoming days and weeks all the unknowns will be settled and I’ll be feeling more like myself.
