Thank god thoughts are silent because if they weren’t I would’ve found myself permanently unemployed. I decided when I had the boys that I would take an undetermined amount of time off. It has always been my hopeto be a permanent stay at home mom. I’m now embarassed to admit that I thought working moms were awful, uncaring and selfish. I spent my college years working at a childcare center run by the university I attended. It was top notch, cutting edge, and had the best early childhood educators I have ever had the honor to work with. Despite all the positive things, I hated my job. I hated taking care of babies and toddlers who so helplessly clung to me as if I were their mommy and in my heart I knew I couldn’t possibly love them like a mother does. They would cry when they were dropped off from feeling abandonded and frightful of the constant change of caretakers that happened daily. I tried my best to help them feel secure and loved, in those moments I promised myself I would NEVER be a working mom. No matter what.
And here I am today, struggling with that college girl in a constant battle going on in my head. I think I want to go back to work part time. There, I said it. What I would really like is to just go in on days when I feel like it, wouldn’t that be nice? I’m in a position to acquire a very flexible position that unbeknowst to my superiors would be a virtually effortless job that would benefit the bank account immensly. So I have been making some calls, gathering up my allies, and using who I know in high places to try and make this happen. When I called HR today to see what the status of my employment will be in September I got the ole’ “don’t call us, we’ll call you” bit. Hence my silent screaming tyraid of f-off explictatives.
If I do get the position it would only be about 15 hours a week and the boys would be cared for in our home by my mother or MIL. Husband has 2 days off a month, so of the 8 days a month I would work, they would only be without Mommy or Daddy 6 days a month. And of course I get June-August off and another month worth of vacation time during the 9 months that I work. It’s very little time away from the boys but I can’t help but feel like the shittiest mother ever for wanting some time to myself. Not to mention the world’s biggest, obnoxious hypocrite.
I’m a teacher. I stayed home for two years with my daughter, went back to work for one year part-time, then stayed home three years with my daughter and my son. I had to go back to work when he was three as hubs is a teacher as well. We had managed to dig ourselves a rather deep financial hole knowing that when I went back to work, we could dig ourselves back out quickly.
My son began going to “school” full-time when he was three. I cried and cried, then I just pushed it to the fringes of my mind (which is probably why the hair at my temples is growing whiter by the day.)
All that to say, he is FINE–wonderful in fact. He blossomed under the care of the little Methodist and Lutheran ladies who looked after him as he attended their full-time Mother’s Day Out programs and transition classes. He is loving and kind and well-mannered and not at all scarred even in the least.
So soak up your moments at home–and take the job–and the help from your son’s grandmothers. Don’t beat yourself up.
This is my second comment on your blog tonight–one of your entries was at the bottom of a friend’s blog as “similar articles” or something like that.