Thank god thoughts are silent because if they weren’t I would’ve found myself permanently unemployed. I decided when I had the boys that I would take an undetermined amount of time off. It has always been my hopeto be a permanent stay at home mom. I’m now embarassed to admit that I thought working moms were awful, uncaring and selfish. I spent my college years working at a childcare center run by the university I attended. It was top notch, cutting edge, and had the best early childhood educators I have ever had the honor to work with. Despite all the positive things, I hated my job. I hated taking care of babies and toddlers who so helplessly clung to me as if I were their mommy and in my heart I knew I couldn’t possibly love them like a mother does. They would cry when they were dropped off from feeling abandonded and frightful of the constant change of caretakers that happened daily. I tried my best to help them feel secure and loved, in those moments I promised myself I would NEVER be a working mom. No matter what.
And here I am today, struggling with that college girl in a constant battle going on in my head. I think I want to go back to work part time. There, I said it. What I would really like is to just go in on days when I feel like it, wouldn’t that be nice? I’m in a position to acquire a very flexible position that unbeknowst to my superiors would be a virtually effortless job that would benefit the bank account immensly. So I have been making some calls, gathering up my allies, and using who I know in high places to try and make this happen. When I called HR today to see what the status of my employment will be in September I got the ole’ “don’t call us, we’ll call you” bit. Hence my silent screaming tyraid of f-off explictatives.
If I do get the position it would only be about 15 hours a week and the boys would be cared for in our home by my mother or MIL. Husband has 2 days off a month, so of the 8 days a month I would work, they would only be without Mommy or Daddy 6 days a month. And of course I get June-August off and another month worth of vacation time during the 9 months that I work. It’s very little time away from the boys but I can’t help but feel like the shittiest mother ever for wanting some time to myself. Not to mention the world’s biggest, obnoxious hypocrite.
